No Answer in this Life

I've been listening to a LOT of Timothy Keller lately. Listening to him talk about my favorite book of the Bible is...well let's just say it's my happy place. I'll probably listen to this like 10 times. I actually audibly said a muffled "AMEN" while lying prostrate on my face from my bed when he talked about mystery. I was just lying there in the dark waiting for the sheets to dry on the stripped bed listening to this with my face sunken in the memory foam and I could have just stayed there forever. God bless whoever recorded this. Also...I guess I know now why I love Screwtape so much. 

Latitudes of what exactly?

Oh,  Annie. I love how you pull no punches. Thinking about this is light of Christmas and how abrupt the season just seemingly...ends after the presents are opened. Trees and decorations ripped down. Valentine's decorations already out at stores. Any and all evidence of the birth of Jesus ushered into boxes and tubs for the following year. It's over folks. In a way I get it. We started decorating for it months ago so it makes sense that we are ready for a change in decor. I think that's why I've always like the tradition of the 12 days of Christmas and keeping the tree up a little longer. Somehow it feels like we are sort of sitting with Jesus a little while after the presents are opened and just hanging out with him in the silence after the exciting part is over and all the party decorations are cleaned up. When I read this tonight though there was just something almost comedic about the way we as a culture pick up our tails and run anytime we actually stumble upon anything real, anything profound and mysterious and actually worth sticking around for. It gets uncomfortable, tense, and we are left in silence with a feeling of not knowing what will happen in the next moment and at a total loss of control. Thus...right on cue...what do we do when a beautiful opportunity for self-reflection, growth, and connection with the creator who aligned all space and time presents itself? Abandon ship and run away. Sigh. Same story, different chapter. 

Annie is not a Christian, but boy does she hit the nail on the head in describing how our culture cannot stand to lean into mystery, to sit in that tension and instead literally runs from it. We even do this in the church by shoving things we don't understand into little boxes, by trying to shove God into little boxes to make ourselves feel better instead of having to sit with the tension of how mysterious He is and how many things that we just won't ever be able to completely wrap our minds around. When you don't trust the author or even believe there is one that's a huge problem. The people in this story seem like they don't. I do. Had I been on that mountain I think I would have stayed there a long time. Actually, to be completely honest and knowing myself, I would have probably done something spontaneous and weird like pull out my blue tooth speaker and play music and dance or starting singing a hymn at the top of my lungs acapella . What WILL happen next? Isn't it exciting to wonder? To know come what may, the most trustworthy person and only completely trustworthy person for that matter that ever existed is in control of the narrative and that for those in Christ...the story WILL end in happily ever after? That all the fairytales ever written have always been trying and failing to tell the one true fairytale that rules them all? So why are we running? Why are we not sitting on the edge of our seat? Instead we "hurry for the latitudes of home". In this context "home" just means what we know, can control, and what is comfortable which might be home in the Thomas Kincade painting, but is not home in it's truest sense. Home as those who will know it with Christ one day seems to me like it would be so much closer to the majesty, splendor, and safety found on the top of God's mountain. 

Finding my voice...again

I've started this blog as a beginning to try and start healing through music and find the voice that once was mine but somewhere along the way I have lost. I don't have the energy or the emotional bandwidth at this point to write my whole story (yet), but will in time, and my prayer is that God uses this process of writing and singing to help heal the places that have long been broken. I was very hesitant to share this experience in a public place for multiple reasons, but decided that having the courage to risk sharing beyond just with God is actually a big part of that healing process (especially the music part). So I'm just going to start. I will be posting all sorts of songs, poems, and other media that have been meaningful to me. These first two songs are the paradox of the struggle that has been going on in my heart for a long time and though I won't go into detail, will probably be self-explanatory. The first is called Green Finch and Linnet Bird (a song i sung in college). 

Green finch and linnet bird
Nightingale, blackbird
How is it you sing?
How can you jubilate
Sitting in cages
Never taking wing?

Outside the sky waits
Beckoning, beckoning
Just beyond the bars
How can you remain
Staring at the rain
Maddened by the stars?
How is it you sing
Anything?
How is it you sing?

Green finch and linnet bird
Nightingale, blackbird
How is it you sing?
Whence comes this melody constantly flowing?
Is it rejoicing or merely halloing?
Are you discussing or fussing
Or simply dreaming?

Are you crowing?
Are you screaming?

Ringdove and robinet
Is it for wages
Singing to be sold?
Have you decided it's
Safer in cages
Singing when you're told?

My cage has many rooms
Damask and dark
Nothing there sings
Not even my lark
Larks never will, you know
When they're captive
Teach me to be more adaptive
Green finch and linnet bird
Nightingale, blackbird
Teach me how to sing
If I cannot fly
Let me sing

Winter 2019

Jane and William,

These past few months have been full of tiny adventures, and now that William is eating solid foods like a champ, we have started venturing out a lot more and going all sorts of places. We got to the zoo a lot and right now Jane your favorite is feeding the giraffes. William, I carry you on my back and you are just happy to look around and have a good view. We also like going to the nature store and trading in treasures to collect point to buy cool stuff later. We haven't purchased anything yet, but I have a feeling you will end up with some pretty sweet prizes with the amount of points you are accumulating. We have also started going on lots of hikes in the woods, and Jane you are getting so good at navigating the trails gaining confidence with steep hills, climbing rocks, and being the leader on the path. We have been playing lots of games (board games, car games, mind games, and silly games). Jane, your mind is exploding and it's so fun to see you problem solving and figuring things out. You are so curious about life and always have more questions and ask us to explain things. Lately we have been going through a hymn or worship song in the morning with very complicated words and you want me to explain each hard word and tell you what they are about. We often dance in the mornings to our "good morning" playlist, and my favorite is when we catch a glorious sunrise coming in through the breakfast nook windows. I have made a habit of closing my eyes, facing the sun with the music blaring, and dancing. I'm so excited to teach you to savor those small moments with God and let beauty and goodness fill your hearts 

Music we are listening to: The specific playlists I have made for each time of the day. I have a feeling that when people remember me, one of the phrases that will come to mind is "I have playlist for that". I'm so excited about sharing so much music with you and building the soundtrack of your childhoods. Jane....you are getting way too smart at giving commands to Alexa, and one of these days a pallet of cookies is going to show up on our doorstep because you told Alexa to do it when we weren't looking. William is loving all of it, and dances to the beat along with music. He does this really funny pop with his chest and really seems to be a born dancer. 

A word about music in churches

I have worked in music ministry in the church and I firmly believe that churches should sing and play the music that the Lord leads that church to sing for the people they serve and the community they are trying to reach. I want to be very clear about this from the beginning. I wish this wasn't such a problem, but unfortunately far too many people have been divided over this issue of the kind of music churches should or shouldn't sing. The Lord has used all kinds of worship and worship music in different seasons of my life. Musical selection, style, instrumentation, and atmosphere vary greatly because we vary greatly as people. We need to make room for our brothers and sisters in Christ to worship in a way that brings them closest to God. Those ways change with culture, generation, and as popular musical styles change. One thing I hope the Church gets better at is appreciating each other's differences. I pray we become more unified in the things that matter and stop focusing on the rest. We need each other, and if our family is constantly at each other, what message does that send to those we are inviting to be a part of God's family? That being said, I know that hymns will not be the most popular style of music in church for your generation. It wasn't the most popular in mine either. That's exactly why I'm going to teach hymns to you. Those that have come before me taught them to me and now I teach them to you. It's so important to learn from those around you and the ways the Lord shaped them, regardless of age. We really can learn so much from each other if we try. I can't wait to listen to the worship music of your generation and experience that with you as well. , but  I hope when you are older you will love the old and the new, because God loves it all. To put it simply, God loves it when his children worship Him. Period. There's nothing wrong with have musical preferences when it comes to worship music, but don't expect the Church to cater to your personal preferences. There is a much bigger picture they are looking at, and if you don't get to worship with your favorite music on Sunday there is nothing stopping you from playing it all week long and worshiping in the style you love best the rest of the week. Hear me when I say this...don't make it about you. It always has, is, and always will be...about Him.

Begin

Doxology

"Praise God from whom all blessings flow;
Praise Him, all creatures here below;
Praise Him above, ye heavenly host:
Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost."

My Jane and William,

 I am brimming with excitement and joy to start this project of recording music and stories from our family for you, your children, and your children's children to learn about the family that came before you, the people that helped shape who you are and where you come from. I will tell you stories and sing you songs of the past and the present, of your great-grandmothers and great-grandfathers, and tell of the faithfulness of generations past who are now helping to shape your present and future. I leave you this collection of cherished memories, sacred moments, and the music that filled them.

Learn these songs, memorize them,  and hide them in your hearts. They will be your companions through every season if you let them. God can use them to teach you, encourage you, guide you, and comfort you. Let the songs, stories, and scriptures here be a reminder to you of God's faithfulness and of his never-ending, never-changing, relentless love for you. These are the songs of your ancestors. They have been passed down for generations upon generations, and I hope you will continue to pass them down for years to come.

When I starting putting together resources to do this a long time ago for myself, I found it much harder than I had anticipated. What I found were mostly covers sung by contemporary singers that changed a little or a lot of the song for stylistic purposes. Though I greatly enjoy many of those hymns, the words were sometimes hard to understand if you didn't already know the hymn, and most of the time only one or two of the verses were sung. When I did find some hymns that contained all the verses, they were largely the same fifteen or twenty best-loved hymns. If I found more obscure hymns (which I love), they were mostly choral, and again hard to hear and learn the lyrics and melody due to harmony parts and choral variations. I remember thinking "can somebody please just sing the hymn normally, clearly, and sing all or most of the verses? Maybe as a bonus it would be sung in a style that you guys would like listening to but that I wouldn't mind playing? It doesn't need to be fancy, people. I just want to teach my kids some hymns..."

And here we are. Normal, not fancy (or perfect), most-of-the-verses hymns for you to listen to...or myself...so that I can sing the songs without the recording and spontaneously burst into song with "For the beauty of the Earth" when we are going on a walk or picking flowers and not waiver when we get to the third verse...and here's the best part...YOU will be able to sing it right along with me. If you hear a baby crying in the background or children saying random things during the recordings...that's because YOU were crying in the background or saying random things while I was recording...and I love it.

I've been wanting to start this project ever since we started to pray about having children, but kept getting hung up on all the details. your dad, in all his wisdom and after hearing me go round and round about all these ideas for a really long time finally sat me down and said "Sarah, just start. The recordings don't need to be fancy, and you will learn as you go. Your great-grandchildren are not going to care if you get every note right. Just begin." Most of the time that's the hardest part. Beginning. If you can trust God enough to begin, even with the faith of a tiny mustard seed, He will show you each step, sometimes just one at a time. And that's all you need to start. Trust Him. Put your faith into action. Think about lying on your death bed right now and think about what you will wish you would have done...and do that. Begin.

I love you sooo much,

Mom

________________________________


Life with you

As of now, I'm staying at home as a housewife with a very talkative and (mostly) delightful two-year old (Jane), and a well-fed (16.5 lbs) and adorable three month old (William). Life is grand, and all the simple moments spent playing, laughing, crying, praying, eating, cleaning, guiding, and then doing it all again seem to all run together into this sort of hazy dream. Some days truly are a dream and I want every second to slow down and never end because my heart is so full of joy. Other hard days that I wish would be over seem to last forever. It's beautiful and messy and i want to drink in all of it. One of my goals these days is to cherish those hard days too and make room for God to redeem the moments that don't go so well. For instance, last week (on father's day), one of my father's day gifts to your Papa was almost killing him when I accidentally dumped water right down his throat. Jane, you saw the whole thing, but thankfully you were playing happily and didn't seem to be bothered by Papa coughing up his lungs. It will probably be a while before he gets in the kiddie pool with me again...


Books I'm Reading and Re-reading: The Life-Giving Parent (a book study), A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, 

Music we are listening to: Rain for Roots- The Kingdom of Heaven is Like This (that Tia Susanna sent to us)


Jane: Just started asking "why" a ton in the evenings ~you call the strings of your apron a "tail" when we bake ~we can just start to put your hair in a little ponytail ~ you have been helping Daddy take care of the baby hawk in the backyard~ every time we ask you what you what you are thinking about or what you want to talk about you say Jesus every time ~ you just started consistently saying "I love you, too"  and pointing at us after we say I love you ~ you love to play on the bed ~ you are so helpful with Will and help get burp cloths for him ~ my favorite song to sing with you right now is Ski-da-ma-rink-a-dink-a-dink ~ You are a pure joy and you light up every room you enter ~ You are full of giggles, questions, hugs, and snuggles most of the time ~ when you get upset you automatically run to your room, and come back about 30 seconds later smiling again ~ you make up lots of songs about just about everything and sing them at the top of your lungs (in the car) ~ you love to comfort baby Will ~ you are learning blow bubbles in the water, kick your legs, and dunk your head in the pool (a little bit)

William: You are either very happy or very not ~ you love watching Jane do just about anything ~ you give me the most smiles ~ you like to be facing out so you can see everything ~ you come to a book study with me every Tuesday ~ You sleep ALL night ~ You eat lots during the day and usually take one good nap and the rest are cat naps (I am much more relaxed with you than I was with Jane when it comes to your schedule) ~ you are wonderfully chubby and have the best dimple ~ you throw your head back when you cry ~ you get hot easily like me ~ we can't tell who you look like yet ~ you are the perfect addition to our family and we love you to pieces ~ you are growing out of your clothes quickly but we also just keep you in your diaper a lot because you are so cute